More About Feelings ~ written for The Peaceful Parent

One of the most pivotal issues in helping our children mature is to allow them to experience their feelings fully and safely. Providing unconditional positive regard for each child’s unique needs, values and wishes will help the child feel loved rather than shamed. That is, teach them to experience life events without being devastated or embittered by them.

An example: My son is afraid of going to school. It is important that I let him know that it is okay to have the fear, and to support him while he is afraid. Do not dismiss or ridicule another’s feeling as this will result in shame. Uphold it so that it can be processed. As I say to my son when he starts to cling when I get ready to depart his preschool, “It is okay to be afraid, but don’t let it stop you from having fun and learning new things. I will see you at lunchtime.” Support for his feelings will help him trust his ability to survive fear.

The same concept is important when celebrating. When my daughter talked excitedly about a possible modeling job, I erroneously “tempered” her enthusiasm with a reminder of what she might encounter. In my attempt to protect her from hurt, I hurt her, taking the air out of her balloon of joy. Had I the opportunity to relive this moment, I would have encouraged her with praise, hugs and a plan to help her get ready. Then, after the event, I would have responded appropriately to her feelings about her experience. As we have reflected on the impact of this interaction, we have both learned.

Finally, I shall reflect on my step-daughter’s decision to quit college upon finding that she was pregnant. Though all of us parents and all of her siblings had an opinion about how to manage her situation, it was important that we supported her choices. We gave her information and shared the possible consequences of each. Then we could only help her deal with her decisions and the resulting events. Her life is blossoming splendidly in her hands!

Live mindfully in the moment. We are not fixing but rather we are guiding and then supporting our children in their choices. We are allowing their experience of their feelings in a way that lets them learn to be confident, self assured, and emotionally mature. That is, to experience life events without being devastated or embittered by them.

In loving kindness, Tamara

Feelings ... What are you feeling … and how are you behaving? Emotional maturity is a key life lesson to give our children, and to hone for our selves. It has taken me many years to understand the nuances I still seek to master.

One key is to distinguish feelings and behavior. Behavior is learned and can be reshaped. For instance, anger is a feeling. Some choose to holler or to rant or to become destructive when they feel anger. A more peaceful solution could be to talk about it or to journal it, to find a response that is productive.

With my daughter, I endlessly explained how I was feeling and often had to adjust my behavior. For instance, one evening after an unusually stressful work day, I was short with her about dinner. Seeing the hurt in her eyes “brought me to earth.” After apologizing to her, I explained that I was frustrated and that I was not handling it well. I assured her it was not about her and that it was not right for me to be short with her. I told her that I felt overwhelmed with some of the things I had to do. Then I took a deep breath and realized other things I could do in response to these feelings.

Later, when she was snapping at me, I asked her what she was feeling. She apologized for being rude, and then explained how she was feeling stressed. The aha light blinked on, and she proceeded to tell me other ways she could behave in response to her feelings.

Now, both of us are more equipped to manage the feelings of being overwhelmed and of being frustrated. (Lists, prioritizing, asking for help, and talking through fears help put things into perspective).

With my toddler, I have found a new tool – it is a flip chart of faces illustrating feelings in a book called MOOD SWINGS by Jim Borgman. This and a variety of other developmental products are available from Creative Therapy Associates, Inc., at http://www.ctherapy.com/. We use the flip chart to help him find words to explain what he is feeling, and then we talk about many ways to express it. I aim to teach him that feelings are an indicator, and that we have a choice about how we respond based on this information.

Your comments and feedback about feelings and behavior are welcome. Being a role model is not always easy… but what a wonderful way to grow.

In loving kindness, Tamara

Design is a reflection. It can be intricately woven, or simply put. What ever you wish to express, find an angle to fully explore. Then, carry it out to your satisfaction.

Reflections today ... it rains again. The scent reminds me of summertime in Minnesota. Damp and warm, shrouded by overcast skies, this spring day is still ~ waiting to breathe. The sadness of winter hangs in the air .

The weather, such a mundane topic. Affects of the weather, deep.

I close my eyes and remember the sun, soft marine breezes that rustle the leaves. I smell the heat of summer ... and I know that the winds of change will come. I shall remain present for the scene that unfolds here now.