Feelings ... What are you feeling … and how are you behaving? Emotional maturity is a key life lesson to give our children, and to hone for our selves. It has taken me many years to understand the nuances I still seek to master.
One key is to distinguish feelings and behavior. Behavior is learned and can be reshaped. For instance, anger is a feeling. Some choose to holler or to rant or to become destructive when they feel anger. A more peaceful solution could be to talk about it or to journal it, to find a response that is productive.
With my daughter, I endlessly explained how I was feeling and often had to adjust my behavior. For instance, one evening after an unusually stressful work day, I was short with her about dinner. Seeing the hurt in her eyes “brought me to earth.” After apologizing to her, I explained that I was frustrated and that I was not handling it well. I assured her it was not about her and that it was not right for me to be short with her. I told her that I felt overwhelmed with some of the things I had to do. Then I took a deep breath and realized other things I could do in response to these feelings.
Later, when she was snapping at me, I asked her what she was feeling. She apologized for being rude, and then explained how she was feeling stressed. The aha light blinked on, and she proceeded to tell me other ways she could behave in response to her feelings.
Now, both of us are more equipped to manage the feelings of being overwhelmed and of being frustrated. (Lists, prioritizing, asking for help, and talking through fears help put things into perspective).
With my toddler, I have found a new tool – it is a flip chart of faces illustrating feelings in a book called MOOD SWINGS by Jim Borgman. This and a variety of other developmental products are available from Creative Therapy Associates, Inc., at http://www.ctherapy.com/. We use the flip chart to help him find words to explain what he is feeling, and then we talk about many ways to express it. I aim to teach him that feelings are an indicator, and that we have a choice about how we respond based on this information.
Your comments and feedback about feelings and behavior are welcome. Being a role model is not always easy… but what a wonderful way to grow.
In loving kindness, Tamara
One key is to distinguish feelings and behavior. Behavior is learned and can be reshaped. For instance, anger is a feeling. Some choose to holler or to rant or to become destructive when they feel anger. A more peaceful solution could be to talk about it or to journal it, to find a response that is productive.
With my daughter, I endlessly explained how I was feeling and often had to adjust my behavior. For instance, one evening after an unusually stressful work day, I was short with her about dinner. Seeing the hurt in her eyes “brought me to earth.” After apologizing to her, I explained that I was frustrated and that I was not handling it well. I assured her it was not about her and that it was not right for me to be short with her. I told her that I felt overwhelmed with some of the things I had to do. Then I took a deep breath and realized other things I could do in response to these feelings.
Later, when she was snapping at me, I asked her what she was feeling. She apologized for being rude, and then explained how she was feeling stressed. The aha light blinked on, and she proceeded to tell me other ways she could behave in response to her feelings.
Now, both of us are more equipped to manage the feelings of being overwhelmed and of being frustrated. (Lists, prioritizing, asking for help, and talking through fears help put things into perspective).
With my toddler, I have found a new tool – it is a flip chart of faces illustrating feelings in a book called MOOD SWINGS by Jim Borgman. This and a variety of other developmental products are available from Creative Therapy Associates, Inc., at http://www.ctherapy.com/. We use the flip chart to help him find words to explain what he is feeling, and then we talk about many ways to express it. I aim to teach him that feelings are an indicator, and that we have a choice about how we respond based on this information.
Your comments and feedback about feelings and behavior are welcome. Being a role model is not always easy… but what a wonderful way to grow.
In loving kindness, Tamara
posted by Tamara at 8:59 PM
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