More About Feelings ~ written for The Peaceful Parent
One of the most pivotal issues in helping our children mature is to allow them to experience their feelings fully and safely. Providing unconditional positive regard for each child’s unique needs, values and wishes will help the child feel loved rather than shamed. That is, teach them to experience life events without being devastated or embittered by them.
An example: My son is afraid of going to school. It is important that I let him know that it is okay to have the fear, and to support him while he is afraid. Do not dismiss or ridicule another’s feeling as this will result in shame. Uphold it so that it can be processed. As I say to my son when he starts to cling when I get ready to depart his preschool, “It is okay to be afraid, but don’t let it stop you from having fun and learning new things. I will see you at lunchtime.” Support for his feelings will help him trust his ability to survive fear.
The same concept is important when celebrating. When my daughter talked excitedly about a possible modeling job, I erroneously “tempered” her enthusiasm with a reminder of what she might encounter. In my attempt to protect her from hurt, I hurt her, taking the air out of her balloon of joy. Had I the opportunity to relive this moment, I would have encouraged her with praise, hugs and a plan to help her get ready. Then, after the event, I would have responded appropriately to her feelings about her experience. As we have reflected on the impact of this interaction, we have both learned.
Finally, I shall reflect on my step-daughter’s decision to quit college upon finding that she was pregnant. Though all of us parents and all of her siblings had an opinion about how to manage her situation, it was important that we supported her choices. We gave her information and shared the possible consequences of each. Then we could only help her deal with her decisions and the resulting events. Her life is blossoming splendidly in her hands!
Live mindfully in the moment. We are not fixing but rather we are guiding and then supporting our children in their choices. We are allowing their experience of their feelings in a way that lets them learn to be confident, self assured, and emotionally mature. That is, to experience life events without being devastated or embittered by them.
In loving kindness, Tamara
One of the most pivotal issues in helping our children mature is to allow them to experience their feelings fully and safely. Providing unconditional positive regard for each child’s unique needs, values and wishes will help the child feel loved rather than shamed. That is, teach them to experience life events without being devastated or embittered by them.
An example: My son is afraid of going to school. It is important that I let him know that it is okay to have the fear, and to support him while he is afraid. Do not dismiss or ridicule another’s feeling as this will result in shame. Uphold it so that it can be processed. As I say to my son when he starts to cling when I get ready to depart his preschool, “It is okay to be afraid, but don’t let it stop you from having fun and learning new things. I will see you at lunchtime.” Support for his feelings will help him trust his ability to survive fear.
The same concept is important when celebrating. When my daughter talked excitedly about a possible modeling job, I erroneously “tempered” her enthusiasm with a reminder of what she might encounter. In my attempt to protect her from hurt, I hurt her, taking the air out of her balloon of joy. Had I the opportunity to relive this moment, I would have encouraged her with praise, hugs and a plan to help her get ready. Then, after the event, I would have responded appropriately to her feelings about her experience. As we have reflected on the impact of this interaction, we have both learned.
Finally, I shall reflect on my step-daughter’s decision to quit college upon finding that she was pregnant. Though all of us parents and all of her siblings had an opinion about how to manage her situation, it was important that we supported her choices. We gave her information and shared the possible consequences of each. Then we could only help her deal with her decisions and the resulting events. Her life is blossoming splendidly in her hands!
Live mindfully in the moment. We are not fixing but rather we are guiding and then supporting our children in their choices. We are allowing their experience of their feelings in a way that lets them learn to be confident, self assured, and emotionally mature. That is, to experience life events without being devastated or embittered by them.
In loving kindness, Tamara
posted by Tamara at 9:11 PM
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